I’ve got intense palpitations as I type this… Adrenaline. I just finished Episode 8 from Season 16 of Grey’s Anatomy (titled “My Shot” ), I’m late, I know. But thank God! So I got season 16 on flash drive about a week ago and binge watched 7 episodes, if you know Grey’s, you know how thrilling finally watching a new episode is (that had to be specified because ya know we know how to keep watching them repeats and still be shocked that Derek has a wife). I finally listened to my body and didn’t start episode 8, I justified it to myself as 7 being the perfect number, the closing number so it’s good that I stop at 7. No. Don’t you dare judge me. Anyway, life happened during the week and I was ready to resume on Friday but I passed out… Only to be woken up by my little brother, we had an emergency.
We waited an hour for the ambulance because, Ms. Rona, but that wait helped me calm down because it can’t be what we thought it was if he was still alive when it happened. But remember when it happened to Dr. Bailey? Her vitals were normal too, but she knew, thank God. The ambulance took him away a little after midnight, we prayed and tried to sleep. I had plans to try watching Grey’s again that Saturday morning when I gave up on sleep but I knew I couldn’t watch an intense medical drama right then, especially new episodes that I wasn’t prepared for, especially the episodes after Maggie loses her cousin on her table to an unsuccessful heart surgery. So I had a 2 hour phone call instead.
He came back today, a little weak, a little tired but a lot alive. Miraculously so! I was on my way out this morning, as in out of it. It’s honestly been going on for over a week but this morning I was about to jump out of the damn plane. Especially after reading that Naya Rivera’s body was found. That made it worse because it was too embarrassing to tell anyone that I was so sadded by the passing of a Glee actress. I mean it was only a trigger but I would have been sad anyway. You see, Glee was my lifeline in high school. I wanted nothing more than to be on a stage, and there they were, on it, in high school. I was also late in discovering Santana’s (Naya’s character) gem of a voice so it was still precious to me, but not in that fragile way. I would cry watching Glee, not because of a sad scene, but because I wasn’t on the other side of the screen and it was quite literally killing me! I got to come home early from work today, thank God. I planned to try watching Grey’s again but instead I drowned in more Naya videos. And then the call came… He was coming home.
He came home today and we learned of the extent of the miracle that this was. So because my eyes were wide again, I finally got to watch episode 8…what impeccable timing! In this episode, the history of Grey’s is revisited so beautifully as they remind us of how Mer grew to being the absolute fearless force she is; testimonies from old patients and doctors, including Dr. Cristina Yang herself. Yeah, I cried. Because Grey’s too has been my lifeline. Just like with music, I’ve had moments where I’ve hated Grey’s because real life doctors weren’t like that, they didn’t care about helping me or my loved ones and I so desperately wanted that. Today though, I learned of a doctor who helped us keep our family of five, a family of five. Life won’t be the same again but today we’re a family of five still. A family that now has close people fighting COVID but fights fear together.
So as we continue to fight more and adjust some, may we be grateful for the victories in between. Let’s allow ourselves the full human experience; mourn, love, heal, laugh, cry, try, be and then some. That is at the end of the day what truly living and not existing is. That is the lifeline. At the end of Mer’s hearing (after she calls out one of the panelists for being Derek’s killer and then still being arrogant enough not to remember her), Dr Bailey gives a standing ovation and “yaaassss” worthy monolog about how Dr Grey’s many trials have not hardened her but instead made her better, because she lived in them, all of them. When she saw her mother’s, step-mother’s, sister’s, father’s, husband’s, friends’ and colleagues’ flatten, hers stayed, even after that one time she practically died after drowning. Fully living (even when delayed–like when she disappeared after Derek died) was her lifeline. Knowing that Bailey lived was mine, knowing that God lived was mine right now, that’s how I believed he would come back and that if he didn’t, we would be okay. That’s how I know that with everything all my family is going through, we’re coming out.
We will be okay. You will be okay.